it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
