No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
