You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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