just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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