His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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