she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
