chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
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