Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
