I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
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I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
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I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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