I'm gonna have a badass scar
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
