So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
