you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
