Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
