Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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