im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
