You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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