OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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