my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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