my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
