My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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