do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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