I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
