Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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