Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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