Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we have pet lesbian snakes
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
