He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
