Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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