He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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