She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
