She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
