So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
