This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
