So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
