I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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