You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
