shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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