I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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