My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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