Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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