found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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