this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This house was built for laser tag.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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