I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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