Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
