I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
