i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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