so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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