i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
