You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
