Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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