made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
