Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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