today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
