cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
