Will you blow on my dice?
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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