Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
