Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
